Reclaiming Your Power After Toxic Relationships: Breaking Free from the Victim Mentality

Hey friend,

So, I just got back from a beautiful, soul-resetting holiday. No work. No emails. Just space to breathe, reflect, and recharge.

It felt good to switch off… but coming back, I felt pulled right back into the heart of what I do—helping people heal from toxic relationships and reclaim the life and power that’s always been theirs.

And there’s something I want to talk about today. Something that shaped so much of my own healing journey. Something I see all the time in the clients I work with.

It’s called the victim mentality—and if you’ve ever found yourself trapped in the emotional wreckage of a painful relationship, you might know exactly what I’m talking about.

I Didn’t Know I Had It Either…

There was a time when I thought I had it all together. I saw myself as strong, independent, successful. But underneath that surface… I was silently blaming everyone for how I felt inside.

My father.

My ex.

People who dismissed me.

Friends who let me down.

Bosses who overlooked me.

They all became characters in a story where they were the reason I felt anxious, unworthy, or lost.

I wasn’t walking around calling myself a victim. But my mindset was doing it for me.

What Victim Mentality Really Looks Like

It’s not always loud or dramatic. It’s quiet. Justified. Sneaky. It shows up like this:

👉 “He ruined my trust. That’s why I can’t open up anymore.”

👉 “If my parents had supported me, I’d be further in life.”

👉 “She always makes me feel small. That’s why I shut down.”

These statements feel like simple truths. But often, they’re not truths—they’re traps. Traps that keep us tied to the very people and moments that hurt us.

Let me tell you about one of my clients—I'll call her Sophie.

Sophie came to me feeling completely stuck in her marriage. She loved her husband but resented him deeply.

“He’s never emotionally available,” she told me. “I do everything. I carry the emotional weight of this relationship, and he doesn’t even notice.”

When we dug deeper, Sophie realized something powerful: Every time she felt unseen, she blamed him. Every time she felt unappreciated, she told herself, “He doesn’t care. He doesn’t love me the way I need to.”

And while her feelings were so valid, they were also keeping her trapped. Because she’d built a story where his behaviour was in charge of her emotions. She had no space left for her own needs, because she was too focused on what he wasn’t doing.

So we shifted the focus.

I asked her:

“What do you need that you’re not giving yourself?”“What would it look like to feel emotionally fulfilled—regardless of what he says or doesn’t say?”

That shift—taking back emotional responsibility—was the start of Sophie’s transformation. Not because her husband suddenly changed, but because she stopped waiting for someone else to give her what she was already capable of giving herself.

“I blamed him for how I felt for years—until I realized I was the one holding myself hostage.” – Sophie, coaching client

The Most Dangerous Part? It Feels Justified

If you’ve been through real trauma—abuse, betrayal, neglect—your pain is valid. You didn’t deserve what happened. But if you’re still carrying that story years later, and using it to explain why you can’t feel safe, loved, or happy now… you’ve locked yourself in a room where they still have the key.

That’s what the victim mentality does.

You might say:

• “I can’t trust anyone because my ex cheated.”

  
  

• “I don’t speak up at work because my old boss humiliated me.”

  
  

• “I can’t be vulnerable because people always use it against me.”

  
  

But here’s what I’ve learned:

The moment you stop blaming, you start healing.

A Real Example: The Family Dinner

A few years ago, I was at a family dinner.

One of my relatives made a snide comment across the table. Something like,

“You always act like you're better than the rest of us.”

It hit me hard. I felt myself shrink. And instantly, the thoughts spiraled:

“Why would she say that? Why is it always me?”

That was victim mode.

I handed her my power in a split second.

But today? I’d respond differently.

I’d feel the sting, take a breath, and remind myself:

“That’s her story. Not mine.", "Her words don’t define me.”

Maybe I’d even say,

“That comment didn’t feel kind. Can we move on?”

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about not letting other people’s behaviour write our emotional script.

Vulnerability: The Way Back to Your Power

So, what’s the alternative to the victim mentality?

Vulnerability.

Not a weakness.

Not pretending you’re fine when you’re not.

But the raw, honest willingness to sit with your feelings, without running, blaming, or defending.

Vulnerability says:

• “I’m hurt, and I’m not going to punish myself or anyone else for it.”

  
  

• “I’m scared, and I can still show up with courage.”

  
  

• “I’m worthy, no matter what anyone else believes.”

That is strength. That is healing. That is how we take back our power after toxic relationships.

You Get to Rewrite Your Story

If any of this touched something inside you, I want you to know this:

💛 You are not broken.

💛 You are not too much or too sensitive.

💛 You are not a victim—you’ve just believed you were, because it once felt safer than feeling the truth.

But you’re safe now.

You’re capable now.

You’re allowed to heal.

And you get to take back every part of yourself that you gave away to survive.

With love and strength,

Evelina